My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
