I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
