I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
