I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
