Someone shit on the floor
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
