I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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