You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
