Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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