I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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