I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
