You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
