I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
