The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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