Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
