I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize