My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
