Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
where are my eyebrows?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
