man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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