She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
