you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
