nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
