Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
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How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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