my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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