I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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