Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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