ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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