Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
