my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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