Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
