I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
