i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
