she woke up with a sticky ear
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
