Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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