He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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