i already hear my dad disowning me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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