Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
