Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
