I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We are all done wearing pants today
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
