Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
