cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...