If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
