Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.