But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.