Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?