there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
