guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I need water and some morals
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
