You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
