U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
