I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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