You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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