Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
