just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
