I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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