i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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