She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Couch. On fire.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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